Grief comes in many forms. It can present itself with the death of a loved one - with divorce - with disease - with a fractured friendship - with what might have been - with what ifs or should haves.

My first real experience of grief was the death of my beloved grandmother. I grew up with only one grandparent in my life - Grandma Castle - my dad’s mom. My grandfather - Grandpa Castle - passed away when I was a young child and I don’t remember him. My momma’s mother passed away when my mom was only two and her father remarried and moved away, so he wasn’t even present in my mom’s life - let alone - our lives. So Grandma Castle it was. We had one main thing in common - music. We spent a lot of time at the piano, playing and singing together. She loved the great hymns of our faith and we sang them together. She lived life large. I loved that about her. I spent many a lunch time at her apartment when I was in junior high school - she didn’t mince her words with guidance and advice! Grandma had a stroke when I was in grade 8 and moved to a nursing home to be cared for. I visited her regularly and would sing to her until her passing when I was 18.

Almost twenty years later, we would get a phone call very late in the evening - with the news that my brother Tim had passed away in a canoeing accident. He was just 39. I was 36. The news was shocking. My brain couldn’t fathom life without Tim. We had grown up together - a shared childhood of family love and joy.

My Dad passed away at the age of 91 and although his life was long and good - although his death was expected, it came suddenly. My parents had been married for almost 69 years and my mom felt his loss acutely.

A few more years would pass when grief would present itself once again, this time, closer than any previous loss. Randy, my husband of 35 years, collapsed with a heart attack, while out for a run and never regained consciousness, even though the wonderful doctors and nurses worked hard so hard. My sons and I would make the difficult decision to remove life support. I remember the moment Randy’s heart stopped - my legs became as weak as a newborn kitten’s. I remember thinking “these legs that can run 21.2 km can’t even walk across the room!” So much pain. So much heart break. So many tears.

I’ve watched dear friends and family walk through painful divorces. The end of a marriage is different than the death of a loved one but no less painful. Broken promises. Broken vows. Shattered children. Weddings that turned sour. Homes divided - cut in half. So much pain. So much anger. A tremendous amount of bitterness and regret.

I’ve also observed fractured relationships - not marriages - but friendships. Jealousy. Pride. Hurtful words spoken that couldn’t be taken back.

When Randy died suddenly in July of 2014, may daughter-in-law gave me a journal and on the front cover it read - I CAN BE CHANGED BY WHAT HAPPENS TO ME BUT I AM NOT REDUCED BY IT! In ways that I can’t fathom, that statement resonated with me. I would learn in ways that I had not ever experienced before that I could and I would not stay in perpetual grief. I would look to the future - I would Hope. Hope doesn’t mean you forget. Just the opposite.

HOPE - according to the dictionary - means - “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen - (or) - feeling of trust”.

So we watch and wait. But watching and waiting isn’t passive. While we wait - we live. We live out our calling in our families and in our communities, with friends and in our churches. We repair and restore others. We rebuild and desire to be life givers. We say “I’m sorry” and “I love you”. We live sweeter and more noble. Hope does not rise from the backward glance that life used to good. It rises from looking forward.

Philip Yancy said - “Believe in advance what only makes sense in reverse!” Forever I am grateful that my parents took us to Sunday school, church, youth group etc - where I would learn the great truths of the Bible - where I would memorize Scripture and hymns and songs - where these truths and hymns would be held tight in my mind and heart - where they would remind my very sad heart to hope. I knew that holding tight to these truths took precedence over every other obligation, over every priority, over every commitment or personal need. I knew that if my mind continued to realize these truths I had learned thus far in my life, my heart eventually would feel them too. Had I trusted only my heart, I know the path forward would have been much more prolonged and difficult.

HOPE presents itself in so many hymns and songs and hymns. How fortunate we are to have music and lyrics to encourage us on the path to our futures.! A few of the hymns that spoke life to me…….Jesus is all the world to me - my life - my joy - my all. He is my strength from day to day - without Him I would fall……How oft in the conflict, when pressed by the foe, I have fled to my Refuge and breathed out my woe. How often, when trials like sea billows too, Have I hidden in Thee, O Thou Rock of my soul……In fellowship sweet, I will sit at His feet. Or I’ll walk by His side in the way. What He says I will do, where He sends I will go. Never fear, only trust and obey……Soldiers of Christ arise and put your armour on. Strong in the strength which God supplies through His eternal Son…….Crown Him the Son of God, before the worlds began. And you who tread where He has trod, crown Him the Son of Man. Who every grief has known that wrings the human breast, and takes and bears them for His own, that all in Him may rest. THE WORDS OF THESE GREAT HYMNS CAN AND WILL RESONATE HOPE - WE DON’T HAVE TO CARRY THE PAIN ALL BY OURSELVES.

Several weeks after I was a widow, Maggie (my golden retriever) and I took a road trip and visited family and friends in eastern Ontario. At every stop, tears were shed, the story of Randy’s collapse was told and retold, prayers were whispered, hugs were given, kindness shown, encouragement extended, food offered, HOPE extended by those who loved me and hope received! I wrote this prayer on August 29th - on this trip - just weeks after I was a widow-

“My Lord God. I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. But I believe, even in these days of pain and suffering, I desire to please You and lean into You and draw strength from my family and friends. I pray that I will never do anything apart from that desire. I trust that You are leading me even though I can’t see it clearly yet. I trust You always even though I walk in the shadow of death. I will not fear for You are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my sadness alone. You, Heavenly Father, are my hope and stay.”

I can’t speak personally from having gone through a divorce - but the other things have happened throughout my lifetime so far - illnesses - fractured relationships - what ifs - might haves…..in all those things - faith and trust must be prevalent and pride and anger put to death. When grief presses in - worship there for the season - embrace the difficulty but know that eventually that season of heaviness will pass.

C. S. Lewis in his great series - The Chronicles of Narnia - sums it up best. Various forms of grief will assault us while we live on this earth - but always, always, always cling to the Hope of Glory.

“But, first, remember, remember, remember the signs. Say them to yourself when you wake in the morning and when you lie down at night, and when you wake in the middle of the night. And whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the signs. And secondly, I give you a warning. Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look when you meet them there. That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs and believe the signs. Nothing else matters.”

“Courage, dear heart.”

“You are my Refuge and my Shield - Your Word is my source of hope!” Psalm 119:14